Owen is coming Home!

I'm actually kind of nervous about Owen coming home.  He just doesn't seem stable to me.  I'm so afraid that he just going to crash and have to go right back.  The doctor even thinks this may not be his last admission to the hospital.  Its scary and alot of pressure for me because Brandon is so unwilling to help.  He always says he is but when it comes down to actually doing it, he always leaves it for me.  He won't touch it.  That's exactly what he did with the gtube.  And I won't be able to go to the hematologist's appointments because I'll have to be in Albany for clinicals.  So I won't be able to ask questions or hear what the doctor actually thinks.  Brandon tries to interpret but he always falls short.  I've been so frustrated with this situation.  And I can't talk to Brandon about it because he just gets pissed.  Or he says that isn't what I said.

Oh fights!

I wish I could learn to talk to my husband better.  I wish he could learn to talk to me better.  I love him so much, but there are so many things that frustrate me.  He's such a wonderful dad and he's so funny and smart.  It would be nice to really be able to talk to each other.  Any suggestions would be heard and taken in advisement.  I might take what you say or use part of it or just read it.  But anything would be better than what we're doing right now.  I just want to feel closer to my dear hubby.

Working All Night Long

So its like 2 AM and I'm at work.  I like this time of day at work.  Right now its really really quiet.  There's no politics going on.  Its actually kind of peaceful.  I'm sure there are times when it is not this peaceful, but I've gotten so much homework done.  Its nice.  The other workers are really laid back.  I just wish I weren't so tired!  I took a nap earlier this afternoon. 

So my stalker didn't show up when I got to work today.  I was relieved by that.  I was really really scared.  He really scares me.  He "promises" me he only wants to look after me, but he scares me.  When I tell him I"m scared of him, he acts like that's crazy.  But he called me 31 times in my 8 hour shift at work.  He knew I was at work, and yet he still called.  He says its because he loves me so much.  But I don't think it really has anything to do with me.  I think he's just crazy and has fixated on me for some reason.

I enjoyed my time with my friend Sweetslice and her baby and Grant.  We went to go see 1-2-3 Imagine Semsame Street at Phillips Arena today.  Other than being just plain flat out exhausted, it was great.  I wish Grant had behaved a little better.  But he's 3 so temper tantrums are bound to happen. 

Talk you soon!

My first pattern!

I wrote my own pattern.  Its not real difficult or hard or even really creative.  But here it is.

I used Bernat Handicrafter Cotton Stripes.  I picked the breast cancer pink color.
It only took about a quarter or so of the skein.
I used size 6 (US) straight needles.
I call it the Sideways Washcloth
K=knit, P=purl
Cast On 34 stitches. (this will be height of wash cloth)
Rows 1-4 knit across
Row 5: K4 P26 K4
Row 6: K across
Row 7: K4 P26 K4
Row 8: K across
Row 9: K across
Row 10: K across
Repeat rows 5-10 until desired width.

The stripes were from the yarn itself.

I just cast on and knitted and this is the serendipity that happened.  It will be going to my friend, April, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  That's why I chose the yarn that would donate to breast cancer research.  Thanks Bernat!

I'm so worried about Owen

I'm so worried about Owen.  He just doesn't seem to be getting any better.  He's my sweet baby boy, and I really want him at home.  I miss him so much.  They are still talking about sending him to Duke University to get a preeminent immunologist to see him.  I don't want my baby that far away from me. 
I do think that I need help.  I'm having flashbacks to when I had to leave Evan at Scottish Rite. That was a nightmare.  This isn't as bad as that was.  At least now I can see Owen whenever I choose to.  I just can't always choose to.  I have Evan and Grant to take care of.   See how sweet they are on the first day of school.  Of course that was nearly 2 months ago. And lately, they have not been quite so sweet. 

Any way, if anyone is reading this, I just wanted to talk to you.

Diagnosis

We've finally gotten a diagnosis for my little Owen.  I'm glad.  But somehow, I don't feel really confident in it.  Maybe its just been so long in coming that its anticlimatic, but after all the genetic testing and talks of going to Duke for a specialist, it just seems way too pat.  It just seems way too easy.  It is an easy (so to speak) treatment.  You just get an antiviral for about 6 weeks or 2 months.  Its given IV and Owen has a port now.  There can be some side effects, but still, all this is better than dealing with a primary bone marrow deficiency for the rest of our lives or something even worse. 
http://www.bing.com/health/article/mayo-126612/Cytomegalovirus-CMV-infection?q=cytomegalovirus&FORM=FFF
http://www.rxlist.com/cytovene-drug.htm
So, if anyone is reading, there is some info on both the CMV and the Ganciclovir. 

At least its something treatable and shouldn't cause problems for the rest of his life.

Pure Exhaustion

I'm feeling so tired.  I can't feel good right now about anything.  I'm always yelling at Evan.  He can't do anything right.  I'm getting so frustrated with him.  He just never listens.  Maybe I don't know how to talk to him.  Maybe its the stress of Owen being sick and not knowing what's really wrong with him.  I'm not dealing well with my stress. But I don't know how to deal better with it. 
I wish I felt important to my husband.  I wish I could tell him and him believe me that I do love.  He doesn't care though what's important to me, what I'm feeling, or what I think.  He constantly demeans what I'm thinking about the information the doctors give us.  I'm smart enough to know that they are not always right.  I really respect very much about my hubby, but he's very selfish.
Owen may have cytomegalovirus.  CMV for short.  They aren't completely positive so they are retesting him.  If this test comes back positive, then they will be giving him an antiviral drug.  Those have some pretty bad side effects.

Waiting for Results

Waiting for test results sucks hard.  I'm so frustrated that we were told we'd have results yesterday.  And yet we have no results today even.  I really want to know what's going on with my poor baby.  I miss him so much.  My baby boy is so sweet and tiny.  I miss him so much. Isn't he a sweetie?

I did prescribe myself some retail therapy today though.  I got some beautiful kettle dyed yarn.  It was only $11, and I'm going to hold it together with a strand of lace weight mohair and silk yarn.  It will make a beautiful scarf.  Its a dark blue worsted and a light blue lace.  I think they will be great together.  I'm probably going to use a pattern called ScWiNoNa.  I'll post photos when its done. 
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/scwinona

Knitting Like Crazy

My best friend asked me if I would knit a few hats for her cute cute little boy.  Of course I did.  She got me some yarn, and the results were (if I do say so myself) fabulous! I was very pleased with the finished object. Braeden looks great.  How cute is he?  I hope Sweetslice doesn't mind me posting his photo here.  I started on the second hat for him, but I think I may have to start over because I don't like the way the beginning looks. 

Owen is still not doing great.  Its so hard having him in the hospital.  I wish I could be there more.  I miss him and my hubby very much.  The doctors are hopeful that Owen is getting better.  They want to send Owen to a specialist at Duke.  They are hoping to get him into a research study.  But if our insurance doesn't pay for the specialist we won't be going.  Its too expensive.  It sucks to have to choose between getting medical advice for one kid and feeding the other ones.  What kind of choice is that? 

I'm getting really nervous about nursing school.   I hope I can handle being away from the family once a week on Wednesdays.  I hope I know enough to be successful in this course. 

Boy Oh Boys

Why oh why must my boys wrestle with each other constantly?  I am so tired of feeling like there's a war going on around me.  They are wearing me out.  I feel so stressed out about Owen.  I'm so tired from being awake all the time and then the boys don't listen.  Ugh boy oh boys!  SETTLE DOWN!!!!

Sick of Arrogant MD's

Ugh, these MD's of Owen's that don't want to do procedures because of his fevers.  HELLO!!! he's had fevers since August 10th.  Not a new thing.  Why not do something to make his life easier and more comfortable.  Assholes. 

On a different note, I'm so sick of boys.  Why oh why do they have to yell and wrestle constantly?  Why can't they just relax and play?  Why can't they just say they love each other and that be enough?  I'm feeling so frustrated with 2 bigs boys who are actively attempting to kill each other.  I think literally they are trying to kill each other. 

Good Lord, please allow my boys to survive childhood to adulthood without me killing them or them killing themselves/each other.  Amen. 

Thank you, Sweetslice!

Thank you for being my proctor.  You're the best ever!  I also appreciate you listening to me complain about Owen and the doctors that "don't know anything".  I love you!