Stress Stress Stress

I'm feeling so stressed out right now.  My job is just too stressful.  Maybe getting fired will help me find a better higher paying job.  God must have a plan for me.  God must have a plan for me. 

Evan's Blanket.

I'm trying to get Evan's USC blanket finished up.  I'm almost done.  I've started the C but its so boring to knit.  I don't know how I'm going to finish it.  Ugh, its a really boring knit.  I really want to start on my new nephew's baby blanket.  I'm really excited about that blanket.  I'm excited about the yarn.  Its Rowan Classic Elite Superwash Merino.  Its really soft and washable and my sister's favorite colors.  The pattern is one of my favorite knitting designers, Ysolda Teague.  Its her hap blanket pattern.  I'm so excited to make it because I think it will be challenging and I know Laurie will love it for her first born son.  It will be chocolate brown and light blue.  The same as her wedding colors.  I just can't wait to cast on for her baby blanket. 


The Pattern

The Yarn

Owen's Transplant

We're heading to Minneapolis for consultation with Dr. Tolar. He is going to be the one to determine exactly the treatment course for Owen.  We're supposed to fly there Thursday night and Fly home Friday night.  We will be there for barely 24 hours.  We will get to stay in the Holiday Inn.  We get a $50 per diem every day for Owen and 1 parent.  So we should be good for all three of us.  I'm kind of nervous about travelling with Owen and his feeding pump and other stuff.  Its going to be really for everyone involved.  We're still trying to work out all the procedures he needs and had scheduled before the U of MN called and told us when to be there.  ARGH!!! Why can't they remember we're people with lives already scheduled?  My son needs transfusions and gtube replacements and lots of other things.  I wish they could realize that they shouldn't just call and say be here on Nov 12th at 10:30. 

Owen Oh Owen

So we finally heard something from the social security office.  Unfortunately it was rather ambiguous.  We got 2 checks from them.  They don’t say what the money is for or what we were approved for.  Ugh, dealing with the Fed is terrible.  Too much bureaucracy.  Obviously the people who support national healthcare haven’t had to try to use the federal government services.  We have been fighting with these people over and over for 2 years now.  They won’t give you any information to make your quest to get assistance for your handicapped ill child any easier.  You try the website, but that’s not set up for children only disabled adults and retirees.  Hello!  We parents of disabled children want to use the website too!!!  Good Golly Miss Molly!  Why can’t these people help these poor kids.

Stress At Work

This poor woman at my work.  She’s so much younger than everyone else.  She is in for alcohol dementia.  She tries so hard to express what’s on her mind, but she can’t.  She can’t say what she’s thinking.  That would be so frustrating to me.  I feel so sorry for her.

Clinical

I was totally bored at clinicals today.  It was so boring.  All we did was sit around for 6 (yes 6) hours.  It was terrible.  How are we supposed to learn anything if we aren't allowed to do any nursing.  The hospital was pretty nice though.  Phoebe Putnam in Albany.  It had a Starbucks and automatic free Valet for patients.  The students had to park like 4 miles away (and I'm only exaggerating a little).  I really want to learn to be an RN instead of an LPN.  If all we do is sit around and watch, what are we going to learn?  Ugh!!
http://www.phoebeputney.com/
http://www.darton.edu/

I did however get a 96 on the test I took today!!  Hooray!!!

The Best Gift

My best friend, Sweetslice, got me a fantastic present today.  She got me a beautiful skein of Rowan Kidsilk Haze, some beautiful beads, and a pattern to use.  She also went on knitty.com and picked out a 1 skein pattern.  She went into my favorite yarn store.  She is so thoughtful.   I'm so glad she and I are freinds. 

                                       http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter07/PATTicequeen.html

Owen spent the night in the hospital last night because he was throwing up blood. It was pretty stressful. But he came home after a platelet transfusion. It always makes him feel better after he gets a transfusion. And he is getting so fat.  He's finally broken 23lbs.  I've started putting him in 18 months size clothes.  Now that's he's nearly 3 years old.  My boy is so sweet.   Actually all of my boys are so sweet.

Grant was kind enough to say damn it over and over in front of the preacher at lunch yesterday.  I of course taught him to say it accidentally.  I was parking my car on the street.  I opened the car door and a truck flew by nearly taking off the door and my arm.  So naturally, I slam the door shut and mutter damn it.  So in perfect Grant fashion, he starts to say damn it.  Ugh.  Then he continues to repeat it.  In front of my parents, probably at school, in front of the preacher.  Ugh, I'm such a bad mom, teaching my kid to curse!

Evan and I had a nice talk this morning on the way to school.  H asked me if Owen was going to get better.  I told him that I really hope so and that the doctors think he will if he gets a bone marrow transplant.  He said I hope that I get to help Owen.  That way Grant won't be hurt and Owen will feel better.  I was touched that he wanted to help his brothers.

Oh the Drudgery

My psych teacher is so boring and she really doesn't know how to work the online classroom program at all.  She is constantly coughing and there are long silences.  Ugh it takes twice as long as it should have.  That sucked.  There are so many silences.  I can't wait until this semester is over.

Owen is SO confused!!!!

Poor Owen is so confused!  He slept ALL day long, looking so cute with his head propped up on his hands, laying on his back.  He looked like a little old man!  But, now that its midnight, and I'm at work, and Brandon wants to go to bed, Owen is wide awake and playing and talking up a storm. Talking like he's gotta say everything he slept through today.

Doesn't Owen look sweet?  That was taken at Grant's birthday party back in May.  I just love that boy!

Evan's football team won their game today!! (See him at the Aquarium in August!)  32-0 Brooks Bears over Fayette Co. Blue Devils.  Evan did so well, I was so proud of him.  He actually blocked like he was supposed to.  Brandon also was so proud of him.  My best friend, Laurie, and her family, all came to watch Evan too.  It was great sitting with them on a Saturday afternoon at the football field.  I'm so glad she and I got to be friends.  Laurie and Jake were proud of him too.  The other team managed to play without getting anyone kicked out or causing a fight!  It was a nice afternoon all around!

I'm at work tonight, I really like working 11 PM to 7 AM because its so quiet and peaceful.  There are no politics going on.  Most of the residents are peacefully sleeping, so there's less meds to give and less treatments.  However, there are a few residents who become even more pyschotic at night, that can be frustrating. 

And finally, Here's my Grant who is way too big for his britches right now!  When we were parking the car this afternoon, (I have to park on the street) I opened the door and a truck wizzed by waaaaay too fast.  I pulled the door shut fast and said damn! really quietly out of shock.  So what does my Grant say?  Why you say damn, Mommy?  Damn, Mommy.  What does he continue to say?  Damn, Damn, Damn.  Grandpa takes him out to check the mail in the mail box, what does he tell Grandpa?  Damn, Damn, Damn.  Way to go, Mommy!!! 

Bone Marrow Donation

So Owen needs a bone marrow transplant.  We have tested Evan and Grant to be donors, but have not gotten the results back.  There are so many wonderful people who want to be tested to donate to Owen, its so touching.  But I feel bad at telling them at this point, there's nothing to do but wait.  The doctors don't want to test strangers until we get the big boys' tests back, since they are the best chance at a match. I just keep telling them about the bone marrow website.  At least someone can be helped by this.  www.marrow.org

Owen is coming Home!

I'm actually kind of nervous about Owen coming home.  He just doesn't seem stable to me.  I'm so afraid that he just going to crash and have to go right back.  The doctor even thinks this may not be his last admission to the hospital.  Its scary and alot of pressure for me because Brandon is so unwilling to help.  He always says he is but when it comes down to actually doing it, he always leaves it for me.  He won't touch it.  That's exactly what he did with the gtube.  And I won't be able to go to the hematologist's appointments because I'll have to be in Albany for clinicals.  So I won't be able to ask questions or hear what the doctor actually thinks.  Brandon tries to interpret but he always falls short.  I've been so frustrated with this situation.  And I can't talk to Brandon about it because he just gets pissed.  Or he says that isn't what I said.

Oh fights!

I wish I could learn to talk to my husband better.  I wish he could learn to talk to me better.  I love him so much, but there are so many things that frustrate me.  He's such a wonderful dad and he's so funny and smart.  It would be nice to really be able to talk to each other.  Any suggestions would be heard and taken in advisement.  I might take what you say or use part of it or just read it.  But anything would be better than what we're doing right now.  I just want to feel closer to my dear hubby.

Working All Night Long

So its like 2 AM and I'm at work.  I like this time of day at work.  Right now its really really quiet.  There's no politics going on.  Its actually kind of peaceful.  I'm sure there are times when it is not this peaceful, but I've gotten so much homework done.  Its nice.  The other workers are really laid back.  I just wish I weren't so tired!  I took a nap earlier this afternoon. 

So my stalker didn't show up when I got to work today.  I was relieved by that.  I was really really scared.  He really scares me.  He "promises" me he only wants to look after me, but he scares me.  When I tell him I"m scared of him, he acts like that's crazy.  But he called me 31 times in my 8 hour shift at work.  He knew I was at work, and yet he still called.  He says its because he loves me so much.  But I don't think it really has anything to do with me.  I think he's just crazy and has fixated on me for some reason.

I enjoyed my time with my friend Sweetslice and her baby and Grant.  We went to go see 1-2-3 Imagine Semsame Street at Phillips Arena today.  Other than being just plain flat out exhausted, it was great.  I wish Grant had behaved a little better.  But he's 3 so temper tantrums are bound to happen. 

Talk you soon!

My first pattern!

I wrote my own pattern.  Its not real difficult or hard or even really creative.  But here it is.

I used Bernat Handicrafter Cotton Stripes.  I picked the breast cancer pink color.
It only took about a quarter or so of the skein.
I used size 6 (US) straight needles.
I call it the Sideways Washcloth
K=knit, P=purl
Cast On 34 stitches. (this will be height of wash cloth)
Rows 1-4 knit across
Row 5: K4 P26 K4
Row 6: K across
Row 7: K4 P26 K4
Row 8: K across
Row 9: K across
Row 10: K across
Repeat rows 5-10 until desired width.

The stripes were from the yarn itself.

I just cast on and knitted and this is the serendipity that happened.  It will be going to my friend, April, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  That's why I chose the yarn that would donate to breast cancer research.  Thanks Bernat!

I'm so worried about Owen

I'm so worried about Owen.  He just doesn't seem to be getting any better.  He's my sweet baby boy, and I really want him at home.  I miss him so much.  They are still talking about sending him to Duke University to get a preeminent immunologist to see him.  I don't want my baby that far away from me. 
I do think that I need help.  I'm having flashbacks to when I had to leave Evan at Scottish Rite. That was a nightmare.  This isn't as bad as that was.  At least now I can see Owen whenever I choose to.  I just can't always choose to.  I have Evan and Grant to take care of.   See how sweet they are on the first day of school.  Of course that was nearly 2 months ago. And lately, they have not been quite so sweet. 

Any way, if anyone is reading this, I just wanted to talk to you.

Diagnosis

We've finally gotten a diagnosis for my little Owen.  I'm glad.  But somehow, I don't feel really confident in it.  Maybe its just been so long in coming that its anticlimatic, but after all the genetic testing and talks of going to Duke for a specialist, it just seems way too pat.  It just seems way too easy.  It is an easy (so to speak) treatment.  You just get an antiviral for about 6 weeks or 2 months.  Its given IV and Owen has a port now.  There can be some side effects, but still, all this is better than dealing with a primary bone marrow deficiency for the rest of our lives or something even worse. 
http://www.bing.com/health/article/mayo-126612/Cytomegalovirus-CMV-infection?q=cytomegalovirus&FORM=FFF
http://www.rxlist.com/cytovene-drug.htm
So, if anyone is reading, there is some info on both the CMV and the Ganciclovir. 

At least its something treatable and shouldn't cause problems for the rest of his life.

Pure Exhaustion

I'm feeling so tired.  I can't feel good right now about anything.  I'm always yelling at Evan.  He can't do anything right.  I'm getting so frustrated with him.  He just never listens.  Maybe I don't know how to talk to him.  Maybe its the stress of Owen being sick and not knowing what's really wrong with him.  I'm not dealing well with my stress. But I don't know how to deal better with it. 
I wish I felt important to my husband.  I wish I could tell him and him believe me that I do love.  He doesn't care though what's important to me, what I'm feeling, or what I think.  He constantly demeans what I'm thinking about the information the doctors give us.  I'm smart enough to know that they are not always right.  I really respect very much about my hubby, but he's very selfish.
Owen may have cytomegalovirus.  CMV for short.  They aren't completely positive so they are retesting him.  If this test comes back positive, then they will be giving him an antiviral drug.  Those have some pretty bad side effects.

Waiting for Results

Waiting for test results sucks hard.  I'm so frustrated that we were told we'd have results yesterday.  And yet we have no results today even.  I really want to know what's going on with my poor baby.  I miss him so much.  My baby boy is so sweet and tiny.  I miss him so much. Isn't he a sweetie?

I did prescribe myself some retail therapy today though.  I got some beautiful kettle dyed yarn.  It was only $11, and I'm going to hold it together with a strand of lace weight mohair and silk yarn.  It will make a beautiful scarf.  Its a dark blue worsted and a light blue lace.  I think they will be great together.  I'm probably going to use a pattern called ScWiNoNa.  I'll post photos when its done. 
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/scwinona

Knitting Like Crazy

My best friend asked me if I would knit a few hats for her cute cute little boy.  Of course I did.  She got me some yarn, and the results were (if I do say so myself) fabulous! I was very pleased with the finished object. Braeden looks great.  How cute is he?  I hope Sweetslice doesn't mind me posting his photo here.  I started on the second hat for him, but I think I may have to start over because I don't like the way the beginning looks. 

Owen is still not doing great.  Its so hard having him in the hospital.  I wish I could be there more.  I miss him and my hubby very much.  The doctors are hopeful that Owen is getting better.  They want to send Owen to a specialist at Duke.  They are hoping to get him into a research study.  But if our insurance doesn't pay for the specialist we won't be going.  Its too expensive.  It sucks to have to choose between getting medical advice for one kid and feeding the other ones.  What kind of choice is that? 

I'm getting really nervous about nursing school.   I hope I can handle being away from the family once a week on Wednesdays.  I hope I know enough to be successful in this course. 

Boy Oh Boys

Why oh why must my boys wrestle with each other constantly?  I am so tired of feeling like there's a war going on around me.  They are wearing me out.  I feel so stressed out about Owen.  I'm so tired from being awake all the time and then the boys don't listen.  Ugh boy oh boys!  SETTLE DOWN!!!!

Sick of Arrogant MD's

Ugh, these MD's of Owen's that don't want to do procedures because of his fevers.  HELLO!!! he's had fevers since August 10th.  Not a new thing.  Why not do something to make his life easier and more comfortable.  Assholes. 

On a different note, I'm so sick of boys.  Why oh why do they have to yell and wrestle constantly?  Why can't they just relax and play?  Why can't they just say they love each other and that be enough?  I'm feeling so frustrated with 2 bigs boys who are actively attempting to kill each other.  I think literally they are trying to kill each other. 

Good Lord, please allow my boys to survive childhood to adulthood without me killing them or them killing themselves/each other.  Amen. 

Thank you, Sweetslice!

Thank you for being my proctor.  You're the best ever!  I also appreciate you listening to me complain about Owen and the doctors that "don't know anything".  I love you!

Owen is home!!!

Owen is home.  I'm so glad for that.  I was going crazy with Owen in the hospital.  I felt like I had no control over his care.  I was so frustrated.  Seventeen days in the hospital is such a long time.  Ugh.  I guess it wasn't the 5 weeks he was in the NICU, but still.  Nearly 3 weeks was too long.  I wish he seemed to feel better. 

A little of this and a little of that

So I got a new pink netbook.  I got it at best buy for my school work.  I'm really loving it. 


http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp;jsessionid=67BCD6E7E8088B7821986983E0DBCD28.bbolsp-app01-35?_dyncharset=ISO-8859-1&_dynSessConf=4508428287455284647&id=pcat17071&type=page&st=hp+netbook&sc=abComputerSP&cp=1&nrp=15&sp=&qp=&list=n&iht=y&usc=Computers&ks=960
I also got my hair cut.  Shannon did a great job cutting it.  She always gives me the best cuts. 

I got to have lunch with my best friend Sweetslice today.  It was great.  She is also going to be my proctor for my tests at school.  Its great to have friends like her. 

I am glad to say that Owen is doing a little better.  He is no longer having fevers, but his blood is still out of wack.  That poor boy has spent too much of his life with doctors and having medical procedures.  He's such a trooper and a fighter.  I wish I could make his life easier. 

I also wish I could help Brandon find a job.  He would feel so much better.  He'd be so much happier.  I wish I could help him. 

My classes are going  well though.  My fitness class is frustrating me because I don't want to join a gym for 10 weeks.  I mean really! It is an online class.  If the only way to complete it is going the campus gym, how is it an online class?

My clapotis is going well.  I'll paste pics soon.

Owen Owen Owen

I don't know how I'm going to survive raising Owen.  Its so hard to get him comfortable and just when I think things are looking up for him.  BOOM, he's got a terrible fever no one really knows the basis of.  My poor baby has been through so much, he needs a break.  Just a little break.  Like 2 weeks where we don't have to follow up with doctors or procedures.  A few good nights of solid sleep (I need that too!)

Grant however had a wonderful 1st day of PreK.  He didn't cry or fuss when B dropped him off.  He just went right to the table and fit right in.

Evan too had a good first day of school.  Luckily he had a good teacher last year and has her again this year.  I'm so glad.  She made him behave.

I also found out I have a great friend.
Sweetslice, you are so wonderful.  Thanks for the wonderful gift on our car last night!

Days of Mixed Feelings

Today was very strange.  We had plans to go to the Georgia Aquarium with my hubby's family.  We were supposed to be there at 10 which meant we had to leave at 9.  Leaving at 9 meant we had to wake the little guys up at 8 or so to get dressed, etc.  We had already been out late spending time with B's family.  Plus Owen was throwing up alot during the night.  Owen was miserable all day long.  I felt guilty for making him suffer through the Aquarium when he didn't feel good.  Plus then we went out to eat with the family too.  (We ate at 6 Feet Under it was DELICIOUS!!!!!)  Poor Owen threw up all over the table.  All he'd had was some sweet tea and not all that much either.  So we go home, and his fever was 103!!!!  Ugh poor kid.  But how do you say to the other 2 boys and the rest of the family we have to stay home?  They rarely get to see our boys, but.... its so hard to balance.

On the other hand, when I was at Subway getting some $5 footlongs for dinner, a lady in the restaurant told me what a good mom I was.  How I was so patient with my boys.  I was so touched, it brought tears to my eyes.  I don't always feel so patient.  My boys don't listen that great either....but it was great to hear though.

I'm feeling so sad that we're getting Grant ready to go to school.  I can't believe he's that old already.  He's only going to half day PreK but still.  That's my baby.  I remember him being so little when he was born and holding this tiny baby at the NICU in Emory Crawford Long.  Back when he was only 4lbs!!   I think though that he will really excel to have a much more stimulating structured environment and new adults to help him.

My Evan is getting big too.  3rd grade!!!! At least I know he's going to have a great teacher.  He had Mrs. Underwood last year and she was great for him.  I hope he has another good year.  I wish his school had been able to get a new enrichment teacher though.  The one from last year was very mediocre.  (to put it nicely)

I don't know what I'm going to do when Owen starts school in April.  We are supposed to do his IEP in December.  I hope though that school will help him.  He may start catching up to his peers a little.

I found the soccer ball buttons I was looking for for sweetslice's boy's scarf.  \

More later.

A Busy Weekend Ahead

B's Grandma and Aunt are in town.  Hooray..... But the boys like them and always have fun with them.  We have alot planned to spend time with them.  My whole weekend off is waaaaay scheduled.  I won't get another for 7 or so more weeks.  But the plans do sound fun.  ChickfilA breakfast buffet, Stone Mountain for the Laser Show.  Then the Aquarium tomorrow.

I did manage to finish the test hat I was knitting for Sweetslice's little boy.  I think it turned out pretty well.  If she doesn't like the red, Owen can wear it.

Accepted to Nursing Program this Fall!!!

I was accepted to the nursing program at Darton College this fall!  I just found out it does require travelling to Albany once weekly.  But with some planning on my part and my husband's part I should hopefully be able to do it.  Its only for a year then I'll be an RN!!!!  No more LPN.  Although LPN has been pretty good too.

New pattern

www.ravelry.com I found the felicity hat in the patterns library.  Its very cute!  I think I'm going to make it and a scarf for someone at work who has been very nice and helpful to me!

Hubby off to an interview!

Brandon is off to an interview!!!  I am just praying he does well and gets a job offer.  I also pray he takes the job offer.  He's been laid off for nearly two years now.  Ugh, he's driving me crazy!  He'll feel so much better if he takes the job.

Hello, I'm new to blogging.  But I think I want to join this whole phenomenon.  Jump on the bandwagon so to speak.
A little about me.  I'm a mom, wife, sister, daughter, and nurse.  My husband is Brandon.  He's a graduate of GA Tech Building Construction.  But is having trouble finding work.
My boys are Evan, 8, Grant, 3, and Owen, 2.  Evan is in the third grade at Brooks Elementary, where my mom is the principal.  Evan enjoys playing football right for the Brooks Bears right now.  Grant is starting 1/2 day preK at Crabapple Lane Elementary this year.  He enjoys exploring, exploring, exploring.  He's hard to keep up with!  Owen is still at home.  He has Rubinstein-Taybi Syndrome.  We end up taking him to many many doctors.  Luckily he's got good doctors.
My two sisters are Sally and Laurie.  Sally lives in PA with my nephew, Perren. She's a brand new homeowner! Laurie lives in Clarksville, TN where her husband, Clint is stationed at Fort Campbell.  She just found out she's expecting their fist baby!